40 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Love is essential, but it isn't the only thing a marriage runs on. Many couples discover big differences — about children, money, family or faith — only after the wedding. These questions help you talk through the important things beforehand. Take your time with them; some deserve more than one conversation.

Family and children

1. Do you want children? If so, how many, and when?
2. How would we handle it if we struggled to have children?
3. How do you feel about adoption?
4. How were you disciplined as a child, and how do you want to raise our children?
5. What role will our parents and extended family play in our children's lives?
6. Who will be the main caregiver if we both work?

Money

1. How much do you earn, and what debts do you have?
2. Do we want joint accounts, separate accounts or both?
3. How will we split household expenses?
4. How much family support do you currently give, and how will that work after marriage?
5. What are your biggest financial goals?
6. How do you feel about borrowing money or lending it to friends and family?

For help with these conversations, read how to talk about money in a relationship.

Faith and values

1. How important is faith in your daily life?
2. Which place of worship will we attend, and how often?
3. How will we raise our children spiritually?
4. What values matter most to you in a marriage?
5. Are there any beliefs you hold that you think I might disagree with?

Family and culture

1. How involved do you expect your family to be in our marriage?
2. Where will we spend holidays like Christmas, Sallah or Easter?
3. How will we handle disagreements with each other's families?
4. Would you be open to a parent living with us in the future?
5. Which customs and traditions are important for our wedding and our home?

If you're from different backgrounds, our guide to dating across tribes in Nigeria may help.

Career and home

1. Where do you see your career in five and ten years?
2. Would you relocate for work — within Nigeria or abroad?
3. Where do we want to live, and why?
4. How will we share household chores?
5. What does a good work-life balance look like to you?

If relocation is a possibility, read Japa and love.

Communication and conflict

1. How do you usually respond when you're upset?
2. What do you need from me when you're stressed?
3. How should we handle arguments — talk right away or take space first?
4. Is there anything you find hard to talk about?
5. Would you be open to counselling if we needed it?

Intimacy and affection

1. How do you like to show and receive love?
2. What are your expectations around intimacy?
3. How will we keep romance alive after years together?

The past and the future

1. Is there anything from your past you think I should know?
2. What did your parents' marriage teach you — good and bad?
3. What does a successful marriage look like to you?
4. What are you most looking forward to about being married?
5. What's one thing you'd never want us to lose?

How to use these questions

• Don't rush. Spread them across several conversations.
• Listen more than you argue. The goal is understanding, not winning.
• Be honest. A difficult answer now is far better than a surprise later.
• Notice the big gaps. Small differences are normal. Big ones — like one of you wanting children and the other not — need serious discussion.
• Consider pre-marital counselling. Many churches and mosques offer it, and it's valuable.

Where to start

If you're still dating, you don't need all forty right away. Start with values and intentions. Our guides to dating for marriage in Nigeria and how to know if someone is serious about you are good next reads.

Find someone who wants the same future

These conversations are easier with someone who already shares your intentions. On Baejá, you can choose "marriage" as your intention and meet others who want the same. Join Baejá and start with purpose.