"What Are We?" How to Define the Relationship

You talk every day. You've been on several dates. You might even have met some of their friends. But nobody has said what this actually is. If you're wondering "what are we?", it's time to have the conversation. Here's when and how to define the relationship — and what their answer really means.

Signs it's time to talk

• You've been seeing each other regularly for a few weeks or months.
• You feel anxious about where things are heading.
• You're not sure whether they're seeing other people.
• You want to be exclusive, or you want to know if they do.
• You've started making plans further into the future.
• You're holding back your feelings because you don't know where you stand.

If you recognise several of these, the uncertainty is probably costing you more than the conversation would. If you've been in limbo for a long time, read situationship signs and how to handle one.

Before you talk: know what you want

Be clear with yourself first.

• Do you want to be exclusive?
• Do you want a committed relationship heading towards marriage?
• What would you do if they want something different?

It's much easier to have a clear conversation when you know your own answer.

How to start the conversation

Choose a calm, private moment — not in the middle of a party or over text in a rush. In person or on a call is best.

Some ways to start:

• "I really enjoy spending time with you, and I'd like to know where you see this going."
• "I'm not seeing anyone else and I'd like us to be exclusive. How do you feel about that?"
• "I've realised I'm looking for something serious. I'd love to know what you're looking for."

Keep it simple and honest. Speak about your feelings rather than accusing them: "I'd like clarity" rather than "You're wasting my time."

What their answer really means

"Yes, I want that too." Great — you're on the same page. Talk about what exclusivity means for both of you.

"I like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious." Take this at face value. They're telling you they don't want what you want right now. Decide whether that works for you.

"Let's not put labels on it." Sometimes genuine, often a way to keep things comfortable without committing. If you need a label, this isn't a yes.

"I need time to think." Fair enough, within reason. Agree on a timeframe so it doesn't drift for months.

Avoiding the question or changing the subject. This is an answer, even if they don't mean it to be.

If you don't get the answer you wanted

It hurts, but clarity is a gift. You now know where you stand and can make a decision based on facts rather than hope.

• Don't try to convince them. People who need persuading to commit rarely stay committed.
• Decide what you need. If you want commitment and they don't, it may be time to step away.
• Be kind to yourself. Wanting clarity was the right call.

Avoiding the confusion in the first place

A lot of "what are we?" uncertainty comes from not knowing each other's intentions from the start. Talking about what you're looking for early — not in a pushy way, just honestly — prevents months of guessing. Read dating with intention and how to know if someone is serious about you.

On Baejá, intentions are visible from the beginning. Every profile shows whether someone is looking for something serious, marriage, friendship or good energy, and you can filter your matches by it. It doesn't replace the conversation, but it means you start closer to the same page.

You deserve to know where you stand

Asking for clarity isn't needy. It's a sign that you respect yourself and your time. The right person will be glad you asked. Join Baejá and meet people who are clear about what they want.